I'm Danger. I love most of everything, but some shit I can't stand. I adore music. I listen to just about everything. I love food and I tend to complain about shit nobody cares about. Police Crawlin' On My Nuts
Welcome to my life. #Sad #Pathetic #Smart #ForeverAlone (Taken with Instagram)
I have an old vanity that my grandma gave to me. It was built by my grandfather and my uncle like 30 years ago.
It started to lean a bit to the left a couple days ago, then yesterday it got really bad. I had to take all of my stuff off of it, and when i tried to fix it, it worked for about 15 minutes, then it leaned again.
Sitting here on my bed at 3 am after one of the longest shifts of my existence, and all I can think about is the fact that this morning (yesterday?) I had 27 days left in california.
27 days until I could devote my life to my dreams. 27 measly days of my drag of a job, my meaningless wondering through a state I could do without, of a county that sucks, and a city I can’t stand.
Less than a calendar month of tutoring, family gatherings, pointless arguments, horrible curfews and horrid errands.
I was close enough to taste the fresh Seattle air. I could feel it in my bones. I’m so ready. I was so excited! I literally DREAM about my life in that city, and now I have to explore other options until my fucking doctor releases me.
I had these time-limited goals…. Now those are shattered. I had all these ambitions, right down to seasonal shopping schedules for my foods…. That is all gone. I kind of feel a little lost and helpless, like I have to start all over again.
This is horrible. I feel like crying.
Allow me of I may to rant about my insignificant and most likely uninteresting teenage (not so) love life.
So I’m pretty sure I’m head over heels for this guy who I will never in a million years have any shot with. He is honestly one of the coolest and most interesting people I have ever met. He is super smart, talented, athletic, forgiving, understanding, the while 9 yards. But, he only shows his true colors when we are alone.
I would (and have) go completely out of my way to do any number of things for him. My goal (for some stupid reason) is to assure his happiness and safety. I love seeing him smile and be comfortable more than anything. He makes me feel safe. He listens to me when I feel sad or just need someone to talk to. His presence is my escape from all the negative in my life. I sometimes feel that I’m most comfortable when he is. I can’t seem to get him out of my head.
I know that I can’t have him. He doesn’t want me. I’m just a friend who happens to be down for crazy adventures or simple conversations. I’m just another “homie” he can call on whenever he feels he should or wants to. I wake up every morning knowing this is what my reality consists of, and it makes me sad.
He doesn’t dig girls like me. He likes them cute quiet and thin- I’m odd looking, loud and thick. He likes stereo typical pretty girls, and I’m wild and unpredictable and nowhere near pretty. He wants a treasure trove of normal and I’m a box of weird.
I know we can never be, but somehow I want him to know how I feel. I want him to know that I would go to the ends of the earth to make it work, but i know I will never get the opportunity or have the balls to tell him.
i wanna be loved. Really loved for who i am, and whats in my head not just on it. i sometimes feel like nobody will ever be willing to give me the time of day because im weird. i like things that “normal” girls dont like, i refuse to hold my tongue, i say and do what i want and i think that guys just dont like that.
im really not willing to change my opinions or mannerisms to find someone. i want to be attracted to somebody who can keep up with me in an intellectual conversation, who can teach me things i would have never known, who will get me to try things i have never even thought to trying in my life.
i want to be told that i am important and that i matter. i want to be somebodys reason for waking up. i want “good mornings” and “good nights”, “you’re cutes” and “babes”. i want to be able to sit and do nothing but enjoy someones company, and have them be just as satisfied doing the same.I want to know what its like to be kissed, just because somebody cares enough about you to appreciate your presence physically.
to have lived 18 years and never having a kiss, makes me feel like im missing a world of wonder that i cannot discover on my own.
giant sigh, and a trickle of tears.
I wish I didn’t get upset when I see you look at her the way you do. I wish that I didn’t secretly beg it was me. I wish I never started to feel the way I do. I wish I would stop doing you favors. I wish I was able to let these feelings die over night. I wish you didn’t have such a hold on me. but most of all, I wish you saw that I cared as much as I do, even if the feelings aren’t returned to me, I wish you knew so that I could stop pretending.