I'm Danger. I love most of everything, but some shit I can't stand. I adore music. I listen to just about everything. I love food and I tend to complain about shit nobody cares about. Police Crawlin' On My Nuts
So, I have been having the usual “boy troubles” that comes with 20 year old bitches like me. Sad thing is, I’m having this realization that I may actually be doing this bullshit to myself. I have this thing for “bad asses” and can’t help but find their inability to give a fuck attractive. Oddly enough, I half way expect said “bad ass” guys to somehow magically care about me. I know they won’t, because it’s not in the nature. Does it stop me from caring about them? No. Should it? Probably. I upset myself when these fools front and act like they care and are sweet and lovey-dovey… But then it all stops when you say you’re not ready to fuck them yet. I should expect that they are ultimately horny asswipes that are really cool, if you’re not falling for them. Sex might not be the only goal, but by golly it’s always included. In my short romantic history I’ve realized that even though he may say it isn’t important, the fact of the matter is that sex will always be a factor. Will I give in before I’m ready? No. Will I lose a lot of potential interests because of my resistance? Fuckin duh.
I don’t want to be that girl that waits for the “perfect guy”. I just want someone cool to chill, listen to randomly epic music, watch movies and nerd out with, cook for and smoke with. IM LOOKING FOR A BLAZE BUDDY WHO WILL MAKE ME LAUGH AND MAKE FUN OF EVERYTHING WITH ME. Is that really that fucking difficult? Seriously?
But whatever I’m just complaining again. Fuck this feeling, whatever it is.
In my mind, a perfect relationship would be me and the perfect guy driving down any given road, smoking, chatting, and listening to Manu Chao? Not all the time, but at least once. Really just enjoying music, the road, good weed and each other.
I’m a weirdo.
I know talking to her for advice is probably dumb, but she kinda made me think, and now I sort of feel like shit.
"she" being my cousin. We were talking last night about her never-ending quest to find me a boyfriend. I always ignore her, because the people she knows are stupid ad scandalous. But when she asked me about the guy who I had been crushing on for about a year now, I stopped and realized that I really don’t like him very much anymore. I know, if you have read my deep longing "I’m so pathetic I basically love this guy who has no idea" posts- I’m sorry. I’m stupid.
Anyway I realized my feelings for him have changed. He is still my good friend who I will chill with whenever it happens, but I think something just clicked in my head. I realized I was being dumb and falling and waiting for this guy who doesn’t really give a shit about much of anything. Especially me. I think I realized that I will probably be much happier on my own than I could be with him, so my head just threw that “lovey dovey” feeling right out the window.
When I told my cousin, she kinda got mad. She said I was letting my feelings go too easily and normally it takes a long time to get over someone. She said it made me kind of heartless and standoff-ish and that this makes me someone who is very hard to date… I feel like shit now. I kinda feel hopeless and lost, but part of me doesn’t care, while part of me just wants to be a normal girl that is datable.
I have no idea what to think anymore.
Okay I’m done now.